Trials Towards Strength

The past two months of my life have been such a wide range of emotions, while being some of the hardest times I’ve had in a very long time. While working to sustain the person and character I have worked a lifetime to build, I have been able to reflect on the sheer truth and nakedness that we embody as humans. Humanity is full of smoke and mirrors; however, the truth is that none of us can completely hide and fool. Human ability is to err on the side of timidity and descrecion. But human nature is raw and real and messy. And most of all, refreshing. There is nothing quite like forcing yourself to feel. To feel every single drop of pain and suffering, both physical and mental. It’s no secret that I’ve had to bear the brunt of a hard health story. However, there haven’t been many times where the physicality of that pain and suffering has so overwhelmingly meshed with the mentality of it. The past two months have tested my strength and my reality. I have learned humility. I have learned truth. I have learned about blessings in disguise. I have dodged bullets. I have fallen in the deepest, darkest hole I’ve ever come across. I have gained incredible strength. I have opened the blinders of others around me and of myself. And more than most things, I have realized what a cyclical reality we exist in. We live in such a sensitive and impressionable existence. The good part? Forcing yourself to feel every second of it. The bad part? It usually really hurts. I like to think that I have one of the biggest hearts, but the downfall of that is that you feel everything so severely, even if that includes happiness. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t trade any part of that for a second. I truly believe in Karma and that everything happens for a reason. Every second of our existence prepares us for every second of our future. And why would anyone regret that? In the 6 years since I graduated college, I cherish so much of how I have grown, the experiences and memories I have, and how much I have gone through. I could sit here and say why me, or this isn’t fair. And I could sit here and wish and plead to get a few more of the blissful days back. And guess what, sometimes I do. And no, it isn’t always fair. But fairness is a relative term anyway. The truth about all of that is that acceptance and coping aren’t successful nor are they healthy with those frames of mind. I can’t say I’m perfectly well adjusted to my life and the things that I experience. However, I can say that my strength and my ability to remain relatively level headed have saved my physical and mental health. And I can say that for the first time in two months, that dark hole and the physical pain are behind me. The hill in front of me is getting smaller. The summit is in my line of sight. Normality, whatever that means, is within reach. For someone who thrives on proof and thrives on organizational contentment, this is quite the feat, yet quite the hurdle. But I guess that’s life, right? Just when you think you have this whole crazy rollercoaster figured out, something jams the system and you fight like hell to stay on your toes.

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