I could say a lot of reasons why I haven’t blogged in weeks. But I won’t. It just hasn’t happened. I have a lot of posts in the queue, but not much action on them. Words are stuck. There’s a lot of things going on right now, mostly a lot of things going wrong. But the words to describe them? The words to describe how they change me, how it makes me feel? Those have been a little stubborn lately.
It’s funny, but I think my inspiration in getting this down on paper, err screen, is from binge-watching the show “You’re the Worst” the past couple days while I’ve had the flu (for the second time in 2 months by the way–funny how my immune system just laughs when I get the flu shot). I digress; the show is about this slightly miserable, but actually kind-of awesome couple, Gretchen and Jimmy. Against all their better judgement, they decide to be together, and as we slowly see, and they start to deal with, Gretchen has clinical depression. The beautiful thing about this show is that it doesn’t try to commercialize depression. It just is what it is, in all its guts and glory. And actually, it’s pretty goddamned accurate.
I’m always someone who has pulled up their bootstraps and moved on or moved forward in life. I’ve gone through SHIT, and I mean SHIT, situations. But I’m always the one who comes out stronger, who knows everything happens for a reason, who has no regrets. And all of that is true, honestly. But what I don’t talk about is how I feel like every little thing eats away in small pieces. I don’t know how long I’ve been clinically depressed. Far longer than I’ve been diagnosed and on medication, that’s for sure. But I don’t know that I would be this aware if my health hadn’t gone to shit 4 years ago (excuse all the swearing in this post). Nevertheless, all of my health issues hold depression on their list of symptoms too. So maybe it was inevitable, a perfect storm to make me more self-aware, and more accepting of reality. Who knows.
What’s going on, currently? To put it in one tidy little sentence for you: my health is shit, my work is shit, my confidence is shit, my weight is shit, dating is shit (or really I’m just not even trying anymore) and my friends and family are always awesome. I won’t get into work details on here. My health is completely upended and I feel like I’m starting over. Possible misdiagnoses, working on a second opinion and heading to UofM (then Mayo if need be), constant sickness, new symptoms, mismanaged symptoms, etc. My confidence is shit because my weight is shit and none of my doctors will pay attention to the weight gain that doesn’t even make medical sense. So the only control I have is a diet, negating the fact I probably have something going on health wise, and even that has been derailed because I got the flu this week.
But here’s the most frustrating part. I don’t mean this to be a woe is me type of post, not in the slightest. I just wanted to provide context and a lead-in to the next part I’m about to say.
I feel nothing. Honestly, all of that above should have me beside myself. And I have my moments, I’m not a complete shell. But the vast majority of the time, I feel nothing. Maybe it’s anti-depressants, though I don’t actually think so, because I don’t always feel this way on them. But the worst part is that I’m not sure what is worse: feeling nothing, or feeling out of control.
By the way: I should have slipped a disclaimer into this earlier. I’m FINE. There is nothing harmful going on, nor will there EVER be anything like that going on. Truthfully, I know I can handle this. But man, it’s a fucking wave, isn’t it? I guess, so is life, but those peaks and valleys don’t have to be so goddamn steep, do they?
Days at a time, I’ll figure all of this out. The bad parts don’t stay bad. Some questions find their answers. I guess why I’m writing this is to just hold myself accountable. I have depression and I struggle with it. But that doesn’t mean I’m clinically unhappy. That probably doesn’t make sense unless you understand depression, but I don’t know how else to say it.
Let’s just hope these big life factors cut me some slack, lay off a but, and simmer down some soon.
Depression is a dark and evil bitch. 🙂
(Sorry for the downer post!)